About Anxiety and Depression Support Resource
I created this website to help others who are suffering from depression and anxiety disorders find out what these disorders are all about and how to get help. I also wanted to provide an environment where others can share their stories and take comfort in the knowledge that they are not alone. Check out our Letters from Friends section to share your story.
My Story:
I first began to feel the symptoms of depression when I was around 13 yrs old, life wasn't as bright as it once was. I would cry more often and was increasingly more emotional. Given my age, it was easy to chalk all that up to hormones. However, by the age of 15 I was in the depths of depression. I had trouble moving, getting out of bed, paying attention at school. It was as if I was in quicksand, couldn't move and sinking fast. I remember hours upon hours of lying in bed, crying so violently, feeling like someone was stabbing my heart with a knife. I was in severe physical and emotional pain. I couldn't understand why life was worth living, I was causing pain to others around me and felt like everyone was better off if I was just gone. Attached to this depression was guilt. The guilt that I didn't actually have anything to be depressed about. I grew up in a loving family, I had friends who cared about me and had all the comforts that one could ask for. I was so ashamed and sick of myself that I decided to kill myself. Cutting myself was the only release from the pain of life, I felt it wasn't a choice anymore. Shortly after I found myself in a youth psychiatric facility for a few weeks stay. It was there that I was first prescribed an anti-depressant, Zoloft.
I took to Zoloft very well, it didn't solve my depression, but it lifted the cloud enough to begin to deal with the underlying feelings that played into the downward spiral which was the prior few years of my life. Through counseling and continued medication (Zoloft then Wellbutrin) I finished high school.
After doing fairly well for a few years I decided to stop medication. I was off medication for almost a year when the depression came back and with panic attacks. The first panic attack I had I thought I was dying. I was living on my college campus at the time so I called the campus police. By the time the police got to me, my room was closing in on me, I was feverishly hot and had all the windows open (it was snowing at the time), my heart was pounding, I couldn't breathe and I was shaking, I was sure that I was having some kind of heart failure or was poisoned. At the health center I was convinced that the doctor was missing something when he said I was fine. I stayed there all night, awake, stuck in the circle of fear in my head.
Panic attacks play on that fear that something could be seriously wrong, the more you think about it, the more they physical symptoms increase, and so on and so forth.
The campus Psychiatrist prescribed Celexa for my depression and anxiety, and Klonopin for the panic attacks (until the Celexa reached its effective dosage). While I found the Celexa to be very effective, the Klonopin was a little much, It made me really groggy and couldn't concentrate. I actually didn't suffer many panic attacks in the following years though, maybe once a month or so, the Celexa was fairly effective in preventing them, or so I thought at the time.
About a year ago I decided to stop taking the Celexa, cold turkey. I thought that since the panic attacks didn't go completely away, and I had developed some methods to deal with them, I might as well stop the medication. In addition I was getting refills from my regular doctor, not a psychiatrist, and my doctor was on vacation and I was out of refills, so I figured it was perfect timing to quit. The withdrawal effects from stopping cold turkey were terrifying. I had electric shocks flowing through my body almost every half hour, I would be dizzy and shaky... I thought I would never go back on a medication that caused that type of pain going off of it. Well, that's what I thought at that time.
About 3 months after being off of Celexa, the withdrawal symptoms were gone and I was doing well, until one day in March. It all came back, and with a vengeance. I was thrown into a 6 week long panic attack - or that's what it felt like. I would have about 6-10 panic attacks per day, lasting about 15-30 minutes each, I had a fear of food poisoning and being drugged. Every time I tried to eat I would have a panic attack. It was debilitating. I couldn't work, was in constant fear, I went to bed with a panic attack and woke up to one. Since I couldn't eat I lost a lot of weight very quickly.
Eventually I had enough, I didn't want to go back on medication, but I couldn't handle life with the panic attacks. I found a Psychiatrist through my church and he prescribed me Celexa again, this time at an increased dosage. A few weeks later, the panic attacks stopped. This time they stopped completely, I was shocked that I spent the last few years dealing with panic attacks because I wasn't on the correct dosage of medicine.
Ever since I have been working through the panic, the fear and the depression; working with both my Psychiatrist and my Psychologist. I am still on a journey to recovery, but have my anxiety and depression under control. It was a long road, but it is getting better.
I hope that in sharing my story I can help others from making similar mistakes in handling their medications as well as showing how the pain and anxiety really can be stopped. If you have any questions about my story or any questions about panic attacks, anxiety or depression feel free to contact me. I wish you all peace and freedom from anxiety and depression.
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